Chess Limericks

[NickFaulks]

FIDE's game history used to be free,
available for all to see.
Now without the permission
of Online Commission
it's hidden from you and from me.

[David Robertson]

So, would Cowdenbeath be an example of an anapest? What about Dunfermline? An amphibrach perhaps?

Yes, to both. So now we can get to work.

First, a trimeter of amphibrachs

There was a young wife from Dunfermline

I'll leave the second line to you

Then we can switch to anapests in lines 3 and 4

For the lad underneath
Came from Cowdenbeath

I have a final line. But this is a family forum

[John McKenna]

An arbiter, name of Pickwick,
Grew bored with hearing the mins tick.
Now those old analogs
Are outmoded as clogs,
And he's happily watching the secs flick.

[Mike Truran]

Has the learned professor taught you nothing??

[Mike Truran]

...... et idem
indignor quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus:

A learned professor once said,
"Some think me very well read.
But don't make me decide
'Twixt 'omit' and 'elide',
Since I wish to maintain my street cred".

[David Robertson]

Quandoque dormitat Homerus
Then let Marge wake him up with a prod
Only gods never err with some errors
And believe me, this Prof isn't God

[Alan Kennedy]

...... et idem
indignor quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus:

I am reminded of the famous quote inscribed by a disillusioned scholar on the front page of my Latin textbook:

Latin is a language as dead as dead can be
It killed the ancient Romans and now it's killing me.

[John McKenna]

This thread is killing me... with laughter.

Has the learned professor taught you nothing??

I've tried to bring imy last effort more into line -

An arbiter, by the name of Pickwick,
Grew bored of hearing the mins tick.
Now those old analogs
Are outmoded as clogs,
And he's happily watching the secs flick.

Regarding the use, above, of 'omit' and 'cred': a member of the Groucho 'club' might reply -

"I get credit all the time for things I never said."

A whit to wit -

I once knew a fella called Marx
Who enjoyed playing chess in the parks.
He wore a bandana
While puffing Havana
But he wouldn't go swimming with sharks.

[Mike Truran]

Said the Sage of Bourne End, "I don't see
What on earth it can possibly be
That makes people profess
That the scheme's a success
When they cough up their membership fee."

[Brian Towers]

I've tried to bring imy last effort more into line -

An arbiter, by the name of Pickwick,
Grew bored of hearing the mins tick.
Now those old analogs
Are outmoded as clogs,
And he's happily watching the secs flick.

Could the experts advise which last line works better
And he's happily watching the secs flick
or
And he's happily watching the sex flick

[David Sedgwick]

Copied from another thread:

Award Recipient Sedgwick
Was regarded by some as a brick
But divers were those
Who chose to oppose
Miles used to call him a prick

[David Robertson]

Nope! You can't make 'recipient' work there. Instead try...

Award-winning David Sedgwick

There's a catalectic caesura in that line which I find appealing, but which Mike Truran will doubtless chide as 'omission'. Nonetheless, it flows better than the current line. The rest is fine

[David Sedgwick]

Nope! You can't make 'recipient' work there. Instead try...

Award-winning David Sedgwick

There's a catalectic caesura in that line which I find appealing, but which Mike Truran will doubtless chide as 'omission'. Nonetheless, it flows better than the current line. The rest is fine

You've lost me, I'm afraid. How about "beneficiary" instead of "recipient"?

[David Robertson]

How about "beneficiary" instead of "recipient"?

No, no, and thrice no!

I despair. Why do people, by no means just David Sedgwick, have such a tin ear for metre - for even for rhythm? 'Beneficiary' is a hexasyllable composed of an anapest and, arguably, a dactyl. It would make a butchery of most lines of verse. You might just make it work by elision (slurring):

Beneficiary David Sedgwick ...but that loses 'award' of course

[John McKenna]

I trust that David has not lost his award, already.

Could the experts advise which last line works better
And he's happily watching the secs flick
or
And he's happily watching the sex flick

The main difference is that one is appropriate for the playing hall and the other for the hotel room (should a hard-pressed arbiter be in need of distraction). I thought the hall version was to be preferred since it leaves room for the imagination.