Jokes about chess

[MJMcCready]

Has there ever been a joke said about chess that was funny or remotley amusing? I did hear one by Jasper carrot in 1987, but haven't yet worked out what is supposed to be funny about it.

[Matt Mackenzie]

I think the one about playing a postal game whilst domiciled in Antarctica was genuinely funny.

(its in The Complete Chess Addict)

[John Upham]

Q: Why are artists so bad at chess?
A: Because they like to draw.

[Joey Stewart]

There was a joke , apparently, told once at the Edinburgh fringe festival which sounded kind of funny.

Two guys are playing a game of chess, one says to the other "hey, do you want to make this interesting?" The other guy agrees.... so they stopped playing.


You could probably adapt it to have them playing your most hated opening- I'm sure nobody would argue if it were two guys playing the Scandinavian or London or c3 Sicilian etc..

[David Lettington]

It's Christmas time and Karpov and Kasparov are talking together in a hotel lobby. Karpov says "I was world champion for 10 years!", Kasparov replies "That's nothing, I was the highest rated player in history, and the youngest champion ever!". Two hotel guests overhear the argument and one says "What's going on over there?", to which the other replies "Oh, that's just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".

[Geoff Chandler]

Why did the chess player cross the road?

He saw a mate.
To avoid a fork.
He was following theory...etc.

My chess playing girlfriend has a wonderful figure.
34-24-34?
No.2500

A recruit is being talked through his survival gear by his sergeant.

‘A knife, rations, map, chess set, compass, flares...’

“Wait a minute,” asks the recruit, “Why do I need a chess set.”

“If you are alone and need help, take out the chess set and play over an ending.
Sooner or later someone will appear to tell you where you are going wrong.”

How many chess players does it take to change a lightbulb.

None, they get a computer to do it for them, more lightbulb here.
viewtopic.php?f=36&t=988

[Roland Kensdale]

An old one I found again on a reddit post:

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

Another witticism I can't find, so recreated from memory:

Analysing a sacrifice: 'If he doesn't take my pieces are overwhelming, he can't last long'

'And if he accepts the sacrifice?'

(After a think) 'Yes, that's not so good'.

[Roland Kensdale]

From 'King, Queen and Knight' compiled by Norman Knight and Will Guy p.202

[Colin Patterson]

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

So I was telling my friend I hate backgammon. And draughts. He said "Hate chess too?". I said, "Don't even get me started on that stupid high-speed rail project."

[MJMcCready]

The aforementioned brummie once quipped 'you never have to be afraid of chess players, all they do is stand around you and think about where to hit you'.

Is this actually meant to be humour?

[Neil_Hickman]

The aforementioned brummie

Be gentle with him.
It can’t be easy, being a Birmingham City supporter

[MJMcCready]

Did he ever say anything funny?

[John Townsend]

Why can't you play chess in the jungle?

[John Townsend]

Too many cheetahs.

[MJMcCready]

Why is clapping your opponents good moves forbidden in chess? In case your opponent tells the arbiter you gave him the clap.