What do you do for a living

[John Moore]

One thing my wife always asks - and I never know - is what does your opponent do or your teammates do. I have been a teammate of a guy for thirty years and I have no idea what he does for a living. Why would I but still strange.

To start you off, I work as a consultant for a logistics company. I can also tell you that Geoff Chandler works for the circus.

[IM Jack Rudd]

I am a full-time chess professional*.

*Actual quantity of earnings may vary.

[John Moore]

Thanks Jack. So do mine, but at least I get a company car

[IM Jack Rudd]

Thanks Jack. So do mine, but at least I get a company car

That I do not have, and would not be allowed to make use of it even if I did. Still, I have a Disabled Person's Railcard, and will soon get a Bus Pass.

[Alex Holowczak]

I'm a student, which means I have far too much time on my hands to use chess forums and play chess online. Rather than earn a wage, I actually get £1000s of debt instead. Although, Student Loans seem to think it's a good idea to give me more than twice as much money as I need for the course, so with some shrewd investment, I can actually make a profit...

[Dean Madden]

Software developer, currently develop a web based patient record system for the NHS.

[Keith Arkell]

I am a lion tamer

[John Upham]

I am a lion tamer

Do you have a hat that lights up?

These lions, could you describe them please?

[John Upham]

for the NHS.

I don't wish to be pessimistic Dean, but..

You could replace NHS with MoD or BT or several other bloated and disconnected organisations!

Don't expect to ever see it running live!

[Dean Madden]

for the NHS.

I don't wish to be pessimistic Dean, but..

You could replace NHS with MoD or BT or several other bloated and disconnected organisations!

Don't expect to ever see it running live!

lol. Unusually the projects I've worked on have actually seen the light of day. Worked on MoD software that was actually used in Iraq (two of us worked on it compared to a team of a hundred who worked on stuff that was never used). Now work for a company that is subcontracted to BT who sell the software to the NHS, we're one of the few companies with live software in the London area.

[Keith Arkell]

I am a lion tamer

These lions, could you describe them please?

Well,err...untamed when i get them,and tamed when I've finished with them

[John Upham]

Office set. Man sitting at desk. Mr Anchovy is standing waiting. The counsellor looks at his watch then starts the sketch.
Counsellor Ah Mr Anchovy. Do sit down.
Anchovy Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?
Counsellor Yes, yes.
Anchovy Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.
Counsellor Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.
Anchovy That is correct, yes.
Counsellor Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.
Anchovy But I am a chartered accountant.
Counsellor Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.
Anchovy No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.
Counsellor Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?
Anchovy Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.
Counsellor Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
Anchovy But don't you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence. Can't you help me?
Counsellor Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?
Anchovy Yes, yes I have.
Counsellor What?
Anchovy (boldly) Lion taming.
Counsellor Well yes. Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking?
Anchovy No, no, no, no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.
Counsellor Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?
Anchovy Yes, I've got a hat.
Counsellor A hat?
Anchovy Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
Counsellor I see, I see.
Anchovy And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335C...
Counsellor Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see the snag is... if I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.
Anchovy Well I ... I've seen them at the zoo.
Counsellor Good, good, good.
Anchovy Lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.
Counsellor And these, er, these lions ... how high are they?
Anchovy (indicating a height of one foot) Well they're about so high, you know. They don't frighten me at all.
Counsellor Really. And do these lions eat ants?
Anchovy Yes, that's right.
Counsellor Er, well, Mr Anchovy ... I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.
Anchovy A what?
Counsellor An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about four hundred pounds, running forty miles per hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth and nasty long razor-sharp claws that can rip your belly open before you can say 'Eric Robinson', and they look like this.
The counsellor produces large picture of a lion and shows to Mr Anchovy who screams and passes out.
Counsellor Time enough I think for a piece of wood.

[Simon Brown]

I was going to say I was a Chartered Accountant, but I won't bother now....

[Neill Cooper]

I'm a Maths teacher, which is why come next week (and the start of term) I'll go silent again.

[Carl Hibbard]

IT, well all of it really