Terrible Jokes

[John Upham]

I'm on a constant look-out for terrible jokes / puns / one-liners for my school chess clubs and to annoy friends

I'll kick-off with

Have you heard the bad news about the Advent Calendar?

Its days are numbered

[MSoszynski]

What's brown and sticky?

...

A stick!

[Brendan O'Gorman]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones whereas those in Abu Dhabi do.

[Chris Goodall]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.

What should you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call bears with no ears?
Bees.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know.

What did the 80-year-old pirate say?
Aye matey.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jammin.

What do you get if you run in front of a car?
Tired.

What do you get if you run behind a car?
Exhausted.

What drug can make a cowboy's horse live longer?
A bronchodilator.

[Andy Stoker]

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry ... you're allowed to check

Why is the white king's bishop piece the fastest chess piece? Because it's on F1.

Why did the chess master throw up on the boat? He got c6.

My computer beat me at chess today; It was no match for me at kickboxing though.

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Why can't dinosaurs play chess? Because they're all dead.

[MJMcCready]

How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.

[John Upham]

Did you know that Old King Cole devised a law about how to prepare cabbage?










It became known as Coles Law

(I blame this one on Colin Purdon)

[John Upham]

A famous supplier of terrible jokes is Dan Rosen from Ashtead Chess Club.

He can relied be upon in this regard.

[Neil Graham]

Here's one from my nine year old grand daughter

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they keep getting stuck at sea.

[John Upham]

For the slightly older children (and adults):

Did you know which two English newspapers are mentioned in "A Tale of Two Cities"?












They were The Bicester Times and The Worcester Times

[John Upham]

Why did the football team flood their pitch?














They wanted to bring on their sub!

[John Upham]

In a right-angle triangle, the other angles are talking to each other:







"You're a cute angle..."




"Thanks for the complement!"

(I blame this one also on Colin Purdon)

[Richard Thursby]

Despite having been on the same committee as Dan Rosen for a few years I think the only terrible joke I remember him mentioning was how the meeting start time was the same as for a dental appointment.

For the ultimate source of bad jokes, change the b in bad to a d. There's an account that keeps coming up on my social media feed where the creator says them to his daughter, usually receiving a less than impressed look in reply.

[Paul Ashton]

What are the three shellfish species found in London?












King's Crustacean, St. Pancrustacean and Charing Crustacean !

[IM Jack Rudd]

Dan Rosen once gave me the helpful advice that if you are offered a Latin noun, you should decline it.